Introduction – Shoes of Manhood
Men are in big trouble! The time period from the Industrial Revolution onwards brings a special temptation for men – the temptation of disharmony with oneself. This incompatibility is manifested in various ways, and we will not be wrong if we say that the majority of men today do not feel comfortable in their shoes of manhood.
On the other hand, the same thing can’t be said for women. They operate from a position of confidence and it seems as if, unlike men, in their women’s shoes they walk more comfortable and enjoyable through life.
Unequivocal evidence confirms the suggestion that the last century was a period of suffering for men. According to statistics, men convincingly drift toward suicide, untimely death, accidents and addiction to drugs.
What is the cause of this high level of insecurity? What has happened to men, what has robbed them of the ability to know and acknowledge what they are? A lot has changed in the last two hundred years, but it’s perhaps a correct thing to say that in the absence of a healthy relationship with a father figure, male children don’t have from whom to learn how to become a man, so they gather instructions wherever they can – usually on the street and on television.
This results in an unbalanced man in conflict with himself and his feelings, who because of his “ignorance of manhood” usually becomes aggressive, feminine or passive. A balanced and integrated man is able to express tenderness, capable of intimacy, and, if he deems it to be the most appropriate way, can be relaxed.
When expressing tenderness, he does not cease to be strong. The main difference between integrated and non-integrated men is in management – an integrated man evaluates and chooses how to react in a given situation and context, while a disintegrated man reacts automatically as if the situation and feelings dictate his reaction, and when he “slips” in learned behavior pattern, it’s very hard to transition from it into another.
In the present day, a father of a typical boy, due to lack of time or will, leaves his part of upbringing a child to the wife and a teacher, most times another woman. The boy is inevitably surrounded by women and women’s value system, it’s logical that this value system rubs off on him and becomes his value system. He views the world like a woman, assesses things and events like a woman and even acts like a woman.
When the toy company “Mattel” wanted to sell family dolls called “Heart Family,” they first tested the models that were naturally consisted of a mother, father, and two children. Many of the children who participated in the testing took the father’s doll and left it aside. When asked: “What about the father?” The children responded: “He is at work.” They left the doll untouched. Generations and generations of children are growing up without knowing what fathers are really for. Boys who grow up without knowing their father grow up and continue “the tradition.”
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the share of children living in mother-only households has risen from 8 percent in 1960 to 23 percent in 2014.
The following article describes some of the consequences of an absent-father syndrome such as aggression, depression, effeminacy, passivity, suffering disorder and substance abuse, but does not pretend to give a universal formula to these phenomena.
Aggressive man finds his shoes very uncomfortable and he furiously tramples everything in his path. They feel a constant need to be stronger than the enemy. They think it’s a sign of weakness to show sadness, so often these feelings are replaced with the feeling of anger.
These adaptations seem obstructive for the personality but increase the likelihood of survival of the group, that is the society as a whole. In the present-day society, these maladaptations remained as part of the collective heritage, and today when a boy without a father figure looks for a model, it is likely that they will go for Jean Claude Van Damme, and not Dostoyevsky.
The boy without a father’s guidance is often unsure of himself because he was not given information on which to build awareness of himself as an okay being. Such an insecure man, in the future, will feel threatened without a rational cause and will seek a way to protect himself, and aggressiveness is one way for an insecure person to feel stronger and safer.
A similar conclusion can be reached when you analyze the situation with an aggressive boy or a group of aggressive boys – you can be sure that the cause is a bad relationship with a father figure. A new working paper from authors Deborah A. Cobb-Clark and Erdal Tekin examines the relationship between juvenile delinquency and the role of a father in the household, particularly in terms of the different effect it has on boys and girls.
Viewed from the perspective of the value system, it can be said that the bullies express rebellion against their female values and they search for male role models – but they do it superficially because they are looking in the wrong places – the television and the street, and thus only confirm the attitude of militant feminists that women’s values are the only true values.
To this man, his shoes were so uncomfortable that he decided to replace them with women’s shoes. There are many motives for which today’s man is changing his shoes with women’s shoes – inability to fit into the role of men, prolonged symbiosis with the mother and the lack of instructions for manhood (typically, a boy of divorced parents grows up with his mother), trauma, abuse in youth. Even if the divorced mother is very committed, the child can decide that men are bad and that he doesn’t want to be a man. The main characteristic of this man is a reflection of a woman’s system of values.
These shoes don’t fit the owner. A man who wears them looks awkward, he’s aware of this and he strives for a minimum number of steps. Unlike the previous two, the passive man decided to halt his life as much as he can, because that’s more comfortable, or to be more precise, that’s least uncomfortable. From the aspect of the system of values, he is a man who is aware of the conflict between the male nature and female values and he doesn’t know what to do with it. One way of overcoming this condition is drug use. A passive man really experiences this life as a prison, and numbness is one way to make “the misery” go away.
These are the most frequently encountered combinations of personality types:
Basic communication style of this man is conditionality, criticism, and search for imperfections. After a hard day he sits in his chair and hides behind a newspaper that protects him from the neurotic family life, his shoes stop pinching him and he is calm. The type of personality for this man is: “You’ll see when your father gets home.” At work, he can be manly, assertive and understanding, but the house is just not his area. At home, he feels like an elephant in a greenhouse and he uses his inventiveness not to spend too much time in the house.
Passive Feminine – Henpecked Husband
There’s no need to describe the shoes of this man. At home, his last words are: “Yes dear.” He doesn’t have any boundaries. All the initiative is left to the wife who often has similarities with his mother, who also had a similar symbiotic relationship with her husband, and so on.
For this man, his wife would probably say he is the biggest child in the house, and psychologically speaking, she’s right, because he cannot assume the role of a man and a father in the house (and his wife usually does not allow that, for her own reasons as much to her complaints).
He takes the role of a child, and every child puts its needs first and is guided by them. If the wife manages to meet the needs of “all children,” this situation can often be virtually stable for years. If the wife gives primacy to the children, the husband feels like an outsider, rejected and unloved, he gets drunk, misbehaves, finds a mistress, and behaves like there was something that he was denied.
He is on a friendly level with his children, without authority. The children recognize that and they use it against him, which for him is another proof that he is a failure as a man. These types of fathers are particularly not pronounced in disciplining children. He then acts from a position of a child savior, saying things like: “It’s not a big deal, he just forgot, don’t bother him with trivial things,” and later he’ll become a victim of the child or the wife. In fact, he has never given himself the chance to be the only thing that can make him feel satisfied – being a man.
Aggressive Feminine – Perpetual Rebel
The kind of shoes of the perpetual rebel does not matter, what matters is that his father feels uneasy because of them. He longed so much for his father’s attention that he never had and came to the conclusion that a good way to attract attention is to do what annoys his father.
When he grew up, he continued to follow that behavior pattern, projecting his father on the things the father identified with – the state, the military, sports club, a value system, so much that the rest of his life is marked by rebellion against any parental figures. The basic ego state of this man is rebellious child.
Another type of aggressive feminine man is a man who replaced his shoes with snakeskin high heel boots. He wished for his father’s attention so much that he concluded that it would be easier to get it as a woman. Perhaps, after watching his father he thought that the biggest mistake is to be a man and decided that he won’t repeat the same mistake. Or maybe mom wanted a girl and got him – a girl with a flaw, and that flaw was concealed with dressing and makeup. He was excessively spoiled as a child, so he became a perfectionist. And since it’s hard to be perfect in reality, he chose someone who radiates perfection as the object of his attachment.
Causes of Absent-father Syndrome
There are multiple reasons for the absent-father syndrome, such as social, civilizational and psychological reasons. It is worth noting that the causes are connected and can be presented in the form of Spiral Matrix cause of the absent-father syndrome.
Social and Civilizational Causes of Absent–father Syndrome
The increase in standards and unnecessary masculinity.
In the past, there was a strict assignment of duties between genders. Man did hard physical work and went to war, and the woman was busy raising children and doing housework. The woman still has a role that is only hers – the role of a mother. Further, the mixed gender roles, with the help of the Hollywood myth (sex and city) about happiness and love led to differences in mutual expectations of spouses, which is logically reflected in the increased rate of divorce.
Millennials and Gen Xers are less likely than older generations to say that a child needs a home with both a father and a mother present to grow up happily. (source)
Marriage is seen as a consumption good that is discarded or recycled when it ceases to provide the desired enjoyment.
We can say that strategic feminism is a missed concept, because it got into the game of saving “poor” women from “evil” men. It is clear that from this designed situation we can’t get good things. Essential changes for the better cannot be expected from the struggle of women against men but from the common struggle of men and women against misconceptions, ignorance and prejudices that are inherited.
The Twilight of Political Correctness
Political correctness is keeping up with individualism disabling you to criticize others. A very good example is Sexual objectification and Facebook likes – from the likes of status, results, and photos, up to comments, but there isn’t a “dislike button.” Nowhere. It is allowed to ignore, but it’s not allowed to criticize. And the lesson would be: “If you don’t like something, move along,” because criticizing someone would make them feel bad, and no one wants to feel bad.
What boys can’t learn well, even from the most dedicated mothers?
- How a man should communicate with another man, older or
- How to say no to society or to a girlfriend when necessary.
- How to handle conflict and how to find a constructive way out of the conflict.
- How to be intimate with other people in a way that is suitable for the male gender.
- How to protect other people and how to protect themselves from other people.
- How to accept oneself as a man.
- How to accept their own imperfections.
- How to take responsibility for their choices.
- How to become independent.
Fathers and Daughters
This article is focused on the vulnerability of sons, and the lack of a father figure in their lives, but it should be noted that daughters can also have an absent-father syndrome. Affirmation is one of the things daughters need from their fathers, it implies a sense of respect and admiration. They need to be able to practice dialogue and mutual admiration with a “safe” man.
Through discussion with fathers, daughters gain confidence, and a sense of self-worth. The quality of the relationship between a mother and father is very important for the girl. If she knows that her father is in deep alliance with her mother and that he can’t be manipulated, she learns how to accept “no” as an answer. If she knows that the father and the mother get along very well, she will strive for the same relationship quality in her marriage.
Appendix – Some Statistics
They say that the world belongs to men, but statistics on health, happiness and life expectancy of men show that this is a lie. The following are some facts that indicate how it is to be a man today:
- Men, on average, live ten years less than women.
- Men, usually, fail to create close relationships. In four out of five cases, the divorce is initiated by the wife.
- Men make up 90% of the violent offenses and 70% of the victims of these acts are also men.
- About 90% of pupils who have problems with behavior in school are boys, and 80% of pupils who have learning difficulties are also boys.
- Men make up 90% of inmates in prisons.
- Out of 100 unemployed people, 74 are men.
- The main cause of death among men from the age of 12 to 60 is suicide. Men and boys commit suicide four times more often than women.