Recently, we received an email from one of our incel (involuntary celibacy) readers. He asked for advice and what is the best thing he can do considering that he is still a virgin. We didn’t get his approval to post his questions, but he agreed with posting an answer to his problems. Because we want to give reasonable advice, Reborn Masculinity team let one of our writers(that considered himself an incel for a long time) to answer and give advice to this young man and everyone that consider themselves to be in the same group. So, here it is.
A full answer to all of our incel readers
I’m afraid that your problem isn’t so simple. A path to some frequently and quality contact, for people with the same issues, is very long and for others with low status and bad looks, even unreachable.
In all countries and cultures around the world, there is a small (but not negligible) number of men with very weak social skills. Considering that it’s expected from us to take the initiative in approaching and that a female role is more passive (to accept or reject), these people have a big problem to start any kind of a relationship with opposite gender, and by that, they aren’t functional in the emotional or sexual way. In other words, they are not in a control of one very important factor in their life – dating.
There are two groups of people I am talking about:
Men that are guided by an irrational factor – contact with girls leads to strong inhibition that causes completely verbal and physical blockade, so they aren’t able to approach a girl in an appropriate way, or even to respond well when a girl approaches first. This group becomes partly known to the public when the book “Shyness and Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment” by B. Gilmartin came up. To this day, there is no efficient way to overcome this problem.
Gilmartin’s book had a huge echo in men that we’re talking about, however, as a consequence another group of men showed – who only partly recognize themselves in Gilmartin’s book because they don’t have any real inhibition in communicating with women, but they still grow old without any sexual experience (or very little). These people are shortly known as “incel” which is a short term for involuntary celibacy.
By the increase of such groups, some folks figured out how to make money on them (think Neil Stauss). A lot of pick-up gurus and movements with their aggressive campaign and by using emotional liability of observed groups tend to get followers on different seminars (popularly known as boot camps) on how to get better with girls. There, they often show some successful “students” who are used as proof that the method they’re teaching is working. And what happens to students that don’t show results and dare to ask what’s wrong? They usually get mocked and laughed at. If this person gets ashamed and wants to end the boot camp, pick-up gurus keep the money.
Even if I totally support your listening to affirmation CD’s (if that makes you feel better), I’m going to offer you something different. I wrote this because I recognized myself in you, and considering that I didn’t have sex until I turned 27, I’m afraid that there is a real threat that you end up just the same. And with my experience as a reformed incel, the best advice I can give you is to lift, lift and lift. Investing in your body is the number one thing that can help incels. I think that good looks can get you success in some situations in which girls would do most of the work. And I know that looking like Chad will help you to make a first move after which everything is going to be easier because that is exactly what helped me.
What is the biggest obstacle today, if you want to get in LTR? Pop music, voyeur magazines about famous, even a commercial for soup is sending us a message that without a partner there is no happiness. This and the fact that most men are raised by women. led to the insane courtship to girls everywhere and anytime, which had a consequence of creating an impression in women that by rejecting no matter how good partner, they don’t do any damage to themselves because they can change their situation anytime. In such an atmosphere term “freak” has spread to bizarre portions, so it covers even men that are actively looking for a girlfriend (why are you single, what’s wrong with you?).
That being said, finding a girl is almost the same as finding a job. If you just rolled out of university, companies will treat you like someone who isn’t enough experienced, and it’d be hard to find the job you’re satisfied with. On the other hand, even if your school grades aren’t so good, if you have experience and have been working at some other place, you can easily find a new job, and not only that, but you can now negotiate bigger salary. All that just because you have some experience.
It’s the same with girls. If you’re alone in some girls mind, she must think there is a good reason why is that. For women, the biggest confirmation of your value is, in fact, a relationship (doesn’t have to be LTR) with some other chick.
A part of your issue is that you block yourself in communication with women you like. However, no less of a problem is that you are constantly alone, and your surrounding is subconsciously showing how low your value is.
You need a success ASAP. Now, I don’t tell you to be with whales or ugly chicks. But success with some girl that doesn’t really look like she came out of a fashion magazine will help you. That’s why I said it’s a really good thing to have muscles and look good because you can get a girl just because of that. And when you do, your SMV(Sexual Market Value) will go up. Also, she will open your possibilities to get chicks that are much closer to your perfect girl.
You need to get over that blockade in communication. If you are not a classic “love shy” that shouldn’t be hard. The more you talk, the better you are. Stop choosing “the right words”. Try going out to Nightclubs. Don’t be ashamed to ask what you want from person’s that you won’t see ever again because the good result can have a huge positive impact on your whole life.
When you are choosing the surrounding for approach, know one thing. Every girl that saw or heard you get rejected doesn’t want to have anything with you.
If all of this is too much for you like it is for typical incel, find a friend you can trust and tell him to match you with a girl you like. Even if you have a platonic girlfriend, ask her the same. Just make sure you are not into her, because a friend zone can really be emotionally exhausting. Considering that today’s society is very closed and usually function in small groups, relationships are based on recommendations – just like finding a job.
There is also one great article on what it means for a man to lose virginity.
I hope you will succeed soon.