Everyone that has been approaching girls for some time has at least at some point ran out of things to say. It isn’t an easy task to keep the conversation interesting and this is a sticking point for a lot of guys. Mostly, it depends on your mood, and how you are feeling that day, but wouldn’t it be great if you could be communicative every time you need to?
By researching public speaking and basic conversation, I have come to interesting findings and experiences, so I made a structure of a few things and have decided to put it all in one blog post.
Altogether I feel like this can be a nice guide on how to keep the conversation rolling and I hope it will benefit you in the long run. This guide is for introverted folks that “don’t know what to say” (I get that a lot in my email) and often bump into dead ends when communicating with women.
I will show you how to never get into that position again, but you will be good at this as much as you practice. The way I started to develop this method was by watching some real extroverted people talking and making a great conversation out of nothing. They could speak for days without stopping.
But this method requires consistency from you. After you finish with this post, you will have the key, but the door won’t open by itself.
First words don’t need to be perfect.
The problem with everyday communication is not a lack of subjects to talk about, it’s that there are too many subjects. A man simply gets lost in all that noise in his head, so it looks like he doesn’t have anything to say. But the core of that problem is a lack of knowledge that whatever he says to get the conversation rolling doesn’t really matter, every opener is good. Of course, not every beginning has the same effect, so most guys are scared that they will screw it at the start, and that’s why they stay quiet.
By my experience, there are 5% of really great openers you can say, and 5% of things you could say that will seem bad at first. The remaining 90% is good and it will serve the purpose without problems. So, most of the time, when something “stupid” comes to your mind, it’s usually not as bad as you think it is. The important thing is that you don’t say something that is really, really stupid. Like insulting someone.
Obviously, if you approach in a more aggressive way, you will have worse results, but those that respond well are going to expect you to lead them to some private place. The best thing is when a guy doesn’t care about what others think of him, he can get away with just anything, and not only that, whatever he says somehow comes out awesome. This post won’t cover nonverbal communication, only verbal communication will be discussed.
What are good conversation topics?
There are certain subjects that are great for seduction, and there are subjects that should be avoided. Good topics to talk about are:
People love to hear about where you’ve been, and if you travel a lot, they want to know about the living conditions in other countries. What are the differences? An adventurous spirit is attractive.
Everyone loves to talk about this. How humans behave and react in a certain way, how the brain work is still a mystery to scientists, so there is a lot of space to talk about.
You are going to get into this subject if you talk to a girl, whether you like it or not. She’s probably going to ask you about your past girlfriends or be interested in “why don’t you have a girlfriend right now?” This is an opportunity for you to tell her about certain behaviors you don’t like in a woman and those that you do like. Don’t go too deep into this, save something for her to think about later. Avoid arguing about PUA or Red Pill theory with her.
Family values are important. If you prove that you love and take care of your family, you will be more desirable. Also, women love to talk about their sisters, brothers, etc.
Childhood is fun, talking about it creates a nice atmosphere around you. Sometimes you will find girls that didn’t have a good childhood, or think they didn’t, in that case, just move on.
6. Going out
Ask her where she likes to go for outings, maybe you can find out what kind of girl she is. This one is connected with so many other fun topics such as one-night stands, sex, and drinking.
It’s always good to talk about something you are passionate about. It’s fun for you and she can feel your passion, which is great.
Don’t forget one thing that matters the most: People love to talk about themselves. Why? Because it feels good. On average, people spend 60 percent of a conversation talking about themselves(study).
Subjects to avoid:
Of course, it’s possible to turn every boring subject into a fun one but avoid starting them. Not only are they bad for small talk, they are also very bad for seduction. They don’t have an emotional component, which makes seduction harder.
Generally, it’s recommended to use subjects that cause positive emotions. Women want to feel excited. They don’t want to feel depressed or boring.
Keep the conversation rolling.
Now, being able to carry a fun talk is an art in itself. A good speaker can use a few tools and techniques to keep talking.
There are two schools in the pickup community: The old school that wants you to use scripts and mechanically remember something, so you can use it with everyone, let’s call it scripted, and the other one that says, “Just be natural and everything will be fine.” We’ll explain both in detail and then take what’s best in each one of these two.
With the scripted way of starting a conversation, you use scripts that you learned before, so whenever you run out of words to say, you already have prepared sentences that you can use. They usually have certain goals, to trigger some emotions in a girl you are talking to.
People that use this hope that they can subliminally communicate some high values that have never been told directly. Beginners often times use this way of talking because they lack the confidence to start speaking and to keep the interaction going.
I am strongly against this method because there is no space for improvement. You become bored with saying the same thing over and over again. An average newbie thinks that every time he doesn’t know what to say, he’ll just pump out his hidden card (script) and everything is going to be okay.
This way you choose the path of least resistance, so you can’t get better.
If you, however, still decide to go this way, my recommendation is to use your own scripts, that you made by yourself. Don’t use any routines that those so-called “gurus” or your friends are using. Make your own, and get used to it, because you’re going to repeat that for a while.
The basics of this natural way are simple. Most people actually use this method, which is the reason why it’s called natural. The problem comes when somebody wants to start a natural conversation. Not so many guys know how it actually works.
Before I explain natural conversation, I would love to show you something that is called associations of words. I’ll write 3 words and you should say the first three words that come to your mind reading each of them.
Association of words can be your first exercise because that is the foundation of this method. A sentence is a group of words and each word can remind you of something you want to say. All words, not just nouns. From each sentence you could come up with a different idea on what to say, maybe it’s to add something new to an existing subject, or you could come up with some other topic to talk about. Your goal when talking with girls should be to lead the conversation to something sexual, to see where you stand and how much trust you have.
Here are some examples:
- “Today I ate the biggest hot dog in town.”
Few subjects you can come up with: Today (in terms of time), the biggest hot dog, town (location).
Secondary subjects: Food/good food, cooking, restaurants, fun things to do, big/the biggest stuff.
- “I always wanted to study Veterinary.”
Direct subjects: Studying, education, animal health.
Secondary subjects: College, animals, pets, helping others, passion for life.
More associations can be a professor from your class, funny jokes you made in your class.
More associations can be found, associations vary from person to person, but they can add a few more ideas for talking. For example, when someone mentions Canada, that reminds me of my sister, and from there I can automatically jump to a deep conversation about family values or childhood.
Obviously, there were a few levels of the association before I came to this one: Canada, sister, family, childhood.
With enough practice, you can learn to fast and unconsciously figure out what to say based on associations. Therefore, you can, from only a few words, get a full specter of subjects to talk about, in one second. The only condition to do this is to listen when others are speaking. Scripts can be counterproductive in this case since scripts are just an illusion of communication. That’s not you talking, you are just transferring and saying words that someone else thought will fit.
If you practice this every day, you can implement this method in a period of 2-3 weeks, and in 2 months you can be so comfortable with it that you will never feel miserable because you ran out of words again. The more you practice, the less time you will need to spend to master it.
Oftentimes, a problem with learning the natural way of talking with associations is jumping from one subject to another too fast, so you might not be able to control where the interaction going. But don’t worry, this is normal for beginners and people that don’t talk a lot. It’s possible to get over this with a simple and small switch in your mindset. A hybrid approach is for guys that know themselves and know exactly what they want in this stage of life.
Is she the girl you want?
In order to make a conversation on a date easy, you need to know your goal with her. What do you want her for? Do you want to get a girlfriend for LTR? Another fuck buddy? Something in-between?
I want you to make a list of things you love in a woman, describe your perfect girl. Write a list of characteristics in a girl that is worth your time. Write down why you want those attributes and list them by how much you value them. After you’ve written down the attributes, formulate a question for each of those characteristics that will answer the main question, “Does she deserve my presence?”
You should always know if this is a chick you want to spend time with. Even if you are thirsty and want only to get laid as soon as possible, you should still know who you are talking to.
Now, when you go on a date, ask her if she’s what you are looking for. You can do that in a direct or indirect way. Personally, I prefer the direct way. Here, let me show you a few examples of my list a few years ago (at that stage of life I just wanted to have a lot of plates):
- Question: Does she live all by herself or with her parents?
Why I want to know this: Level of her independence, and possibly sex location.
How to ask indirectly: “You must live with your mother?” “You look like a girl that still lives with her parents.”
- Question: How crazy is she in bed?
Why I want to know this: I have always found crazy girls interesting. Kinky and crazy in a positive way. I’m not looking for some really crazy girl that will cling to me easily and threaten to hurt herself if I leave, I’ve had enough of that. What I want is a girl that is crazy in bed, and outside of it, a girl that can make me laugh. But she also needs to look ordinary when you first meet her.
Direct way: “How crazy are you, from one to ten?” “How crazy do your close friends think you are?” “How perverted are you really?”
Other examples: “What do your closest friends say about you that others would never say?” “Do you think people usually get the right picture about you when you first meet them?”
“You look like a crazy girl, has anyone ever told you that?”
- Question: Is she a good cooker?
Why I want to know this: I love to eat good food, I am a great cook myself, but it’s a huge plus if her cooking is better than mine.
Question: “I’m sure you can’t cook better than me.” “Do you even know how to cook? I hope you do because all this time I am spending with you isn’t for free.”
- Question: Is she interested in a threesome with me?
Why I want to know this: I love girl on girl action and it would be great to have a lot of threesomes.
Question: “Have you ever kissed a girl before?” “What is your deepest fantasy?”
Let me give you an advice if you want to know if she’s kinky in that way: Tell her a lesbian joke. If she laughs, she’s usually at least curious.
Another advice for those sexual questions is to look her in the eyes when you ask her and be serious. Don’t laugh to try to turn down the tension, be direct.
Again, that is my list, and I made that according to my wishes. You should make a similar list of the things you find interesting in a woman. This “method” is based on a natural way of communication. The best way is to use the natural way and then slip in a few questions from your list. With that, the natural “method” is getting a whole new dimension and is far more effective, you will also build a stronger connection. A list of interests should be your light, a light that will guide the conversation. With associations, you could push bit by bit to topics that you’re interested in the most.
This isn’t totally a hybrid method since it’s based mostly on natural communication and it’s far from scripted, but knowing what you want and memorizing the path you want to lead your date is the key you are missing in the association method.
Silence is one of the best things that can happen to you. Less is more. When it comes to silence, it’s an ideal time to rest. You have a moment to empty your brain and continue with something else. What if you are in the club? Even better, as having nothing to say is your chance to be physical with a girl. It’s an opportunity to communicate other nonverbal stuff, but the most important thing here is to learn that silence is not your enemy. Don’t fight it, learn to accept it. Silence is your friend.
There are a few things you can do when both of you stay out of words:
- End the conversation.
- Be physical (especially in clubs).
- Start a new topic.
- Enjoy the tension and put pressure on her with eye contact to start talking.
Also, have it in mind that there is no point in having an interaction with someone who doesn’t understand the value of your time and company. Don’t withhold other people of your presence just because one person doesn’t appreciate what you are offering. There is another girl nearby that is different.
Since technology has distanced human beings from their nature, we have to fight back to survive and evolve. The ability to communicate has played a big role in our evolution, but now people have forgotten the importance of talking.
Getting to have good communication skills is a journey. There isn’t some technique that will instantly make you master all this, it takes action and practice to be good at it. The best way to practice is associations, learn how to detect possible topics for progress. Also, don’t forget that most communication is subtext, meaning it’s not what you say but how you say it, and the body language behind it.
This guide is the key, but you still need to walk to the door and open it. You will become skillful if you invest your time and energy into practice. And when it comes to silence, don’t forget that it can only be useful to you. That is also the best test to see where you stand and how good you are: If silence is working against you, that means that you haven’t developed your conversation skills enough.